Eating = glory?

As I review memory verses for my Christian Beliefs cereal and chomp down on Corn Chex with Silk, I come across this verse: 


“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” 
1 Corinthians 10:31


...and I wonder, how can eating be to the glory of God?

Mid-College Crisis

I don't know what I want to do with my life.

Correction: I want to do too many things. And money is a factor.

If I could just identify what my true passion is, I would trust God and bounce into the abyss, not caring about money. But I can't seem to nail it down.

The first week of this semester I changed my emphasis from New Media (internet, journalism convergence) to Media Production (video, tv). But some days I don't want to make television.

Some days, I think I want to make movies. But being a film major means being here a lot longer. And I am so not guaranteed a job. And I'd have to live in LA. Plus, film majors are really cool and dedicated. What if I didn't fit in? What if I started over and then found out it was the wrong fit.

Some days, I think that if I could just make music for the rest of life I'd be happy. But lets be real: I don't even have enough songs written for an EP right now. I'm too scared of what I think to write. And again, I probably wouldn't make any money.


Some days, I want to be a missionary. I have always wanted to, and I still plan on being one at some point or points in my life. Some days, I think that I should just give up America and help people elsewhere. Learn new languages and feed the hungry and tell people about Jesus. But I haven't done it yet. I don't know if I'm scared and that's why, or too comfortable with my America life, or what...


Some days I just want someone to tell me what to do. I enjoy being an almost-adult for the most part. I like being able to make some decisions on my own, the day-to-day responsibilities. But what if my day-to-day is putting me in the wrong direction for my future year-to-year?

Why do I have to worry about money? It's not fair.

And why don't I have the cojones to give my complete academic life/career to God? Would that even be the end-all answer?


I'm frustrated.

Lyrics + Melody = My happy soul.

Some lyrics that have inspired me today... 

"I look out the window

The birds are composing

Not a note is out of tune

Or out of place

I walk to the meadow

And stare at the flowers

Better dressed than any girl

On her wedding day

So why should I worry?

Why do I freak out?

God knows what I need

You know what I need!

Your love is

Your love is 

Your love is strong"

'Your Love is Strong' by Jon Foreman

"I can finally see

That you're right there beside me

I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don't let me go
I desperately need you"

'Meteor Shower' by Owl City

"The boy only wanted to give Mother something

And all of her roses had bloomed
Looking at her as he came rushing in with them
Knowing her roses were doomed
All she could see were some thorns buried deep
And the tears that he cried as she tended his wounds

And she knew it was love
It was one she could understand
He was showing his love
And that's how he hurt his hands

He still remembers that night as child
On his mother's knee
She held him close and she opened her bible
And quietly started to read
And seeing a picture of Jesus he cried out
"Momma, he's got some scars just like me."

And he knew it was love
It was one he could understand
He was showing his love
And that's how he hurt his hands"

'The Hand Song' by Nickel Creek

Look them up sometime; they're really pretty as well as powerful!

Favorite Moment of Week #1

My favorite moment of Cub Camp (Week 1).

Patty (age 7, half sitting in my lap): "I miss my mommy and my daddy and my brother."

Me: "I miss my mom and dad and sister too."

*pause*

Patty: "When you or any of the staff here hugs me it feels like my mommy."

Me: *heart melts*

I'm in a good place...

...in more ways than one.

First of all, I'm at Camp Wawona, located in the lovely Yosemite National Park. I'm surrounded by 55-ish amazing staff members. They all make me want to be a better person.

Second of all, God and I are on great terms. A couple of weeks ago as I laid in my bed to sleep, I realized I hadn't prayed in a while. Like really prayed. So I jumped up and grabbed my journal. I spilled how I was feeling on the pages and immediately felt better. It was like my soul sighed and said, "It's good to be back." I remembered once again where I was meant to be--walking with God.

How cool is it that we are privileged enough to have the honor of being best friends with the Creator of the universe? That blows my mind. And I get to spend my summer sharing that good news with young people. I just hope I don't get in the way. That's my prayer recently, and one thing I wrote on my "remembrance rock" from our staff communion. It sits by my bed to remind me of what I want from God this summer. I want to add to it what Sonya shared with us in staff worship this morning, but Corinthians 13 won't fit. ;) I want to love better, because love truly is the most important part of life, on this earth or beyond. Because of that, it's also what hurts us the most, and I can't say that I'm not without my own difficulties in that area. But the more I trade my desires for God's desires, the better my quality of life. It's my prayer that you succeed in this area too.

I should go--the kiddies are almost back from the pool. God bless. :)

Not over being without him.

I've decided that I am mostly over being with him, but I'm not over being without him. I'm not used to not being in a relationship; I'm not comfortable with being single. I've had feelings, deep feelings, feelings on a regular basis for this one person, and now it's hard to just stop having them. So the tendency is to transfer them instead of bury them. That is, in my opinion, how rebounds happen. I'm hoping that recognizing that fact will help me not to rebound. Not badly, anyway, hah..

The other thing is, God is competing for my attention. Lauren and I have been talking about how we are sick of not being "chased" by the boys we want. But God is definitely chasing me. Reminding me of how he's taking care of me, and of the intimate parts of our relationship. Why is it so hard to give him my everything?

Some days I feel like I have it allll figured out. "Yay, I'm done 'finding myself,'" I say. And then it all falls apart again, because of these silly little things called emotions. But God gave me amazing family and friends to help me through this thing called life. So I know I'll get there. Besides, it's about the journey, not the destination, right?

I don't understand...

I don't understand.

I don't understand how to differentiate between them: my wants and God's wants. He wants to give me the desires of my heart, right? The subject, in particular, is Student Missionary-ing.

I have wanted to be an SM my whole life, ever since I learned that I was born on the mission field. My dad showed me pictures of Chuuk, then called Truk, and taught me how to sing "This is the Day" in Trukese. My mom told me what it was like to be pregnant and a new mother on an island. I've always wanted to visit someday, and to be a missionary somewhere myself.

As I finished high school and started college, those plans shrank from my mind. I didn't really think about how it would fit in, leaving my life for a year. The thought was especially avoidable when I got into a relationship the middle of freshman year. That summer I worked at Camp Wawona, and a lot of people there had just come back from SM, or had already done it at some point, and it made me think about the possibility again. And then during the beginning of the school year, Rachel started talking about how she wanted to be an SM. I started thinking more seriously about about it, and remembering how much I've always wanted to be a missionary. The SM movement on campus began, and I started to get swept up into it. I wanted to go so bad. I was scared because I wondered if he was "the one," and thought about how hard it would be to leave him. But I wanted to go really bad, and knew that if it was meant to be, it would work out.

And then Kirsten died. It affected our whole friend group because Liesel was such good friends with her. It just put a bad taste in our mouths about SM. I just didn't want to go anymore. I wasn't scared to go, I just didn't want to. As quickly as I'd gotten excited about it, that's how quickly my excitement deflated.

Then came the beginning of the new semester, and with it, the last SM vespers. I realized that I had never really consulted God on this subject. I had prayed about it some, but never really searched for His will. I had sort of said, "God, if Devin and I break up, I'll go. That will be my sign." But we weren't broken up, and I knew that I had to be sure about it. So during that Vespers, I opened my heart to him. I listened intently, all the way through the altar call, waiting for God to say, "Yes! It's your turn! I want you to go for Me."

He said no. He told me not this year. So I said ok. Not this year.

It's sort of a relief, because it's a big ordeal and would put me back a year. So at first, I was ok with it.

But lately I've been remembering how much I want to, and that this next year would have been the ideal time to go. And, we're broken up now. But I knew that deal wasn't a good deal. It just pushes me towards it. And I really really want to go. I don't think it will work out another year. To me, it seems that I won't be going at all. And I don't understand why. I want to go so bad. I have 10 reasons I can tell you right now that it would be good. But God said no. Not right now. And I don't understand.

Maybe He needs me to trust Him more first. Maybe I haven't given myself to Him enough. Maybe He has something planned for me next year. But I really want to be a student missionary. And He said no. I don't understand...

Haircut.

The door said, "Walk Right In." So I straightened up and confidently did just that.

As a new costumer, they needed my address to put me in their system. I haven't bothered to completely memorize my address at the dorm, so I turned to Lauren for help. I tripped over my words and spoke over her and argued as we both tried to deliver my address; in short, I communicated very poorly. The lady tried not to act too annoyed, and I was left only slightly embarrassed by my communication fail.

We finally got through it and I waited there with her for the sink to free up. She asked me what my major was, and I sheepishly laughed, "Communications." We all had a chuckle, but then I had a thought. By my performance the last few minutes, there was no way she could have guessed I was majoring in communications, planning to work in communications for the rest of my life. And then the synapses jumped: can people tell I'm a Christian?

This is a subject that my thoughts have touched on briefly throughout my life, as youth pastors and inspirational speakers have brought it up: can people tell you follow Jesus by the way you live your life? And in those moments, it is something I inwardly nod towards. Yes, I want to witness by living. But have I ever really?

To my joy, at the end of staffing a three-week summer program in '08, Teen Bible Academy, my youth pastor told me that I had done just that. Several girls told him that they wanted what I had, that God's presence was evident in my life, just from watching me. It was something I'd been praying for all year, to be able to witness by the way I lived my life. But that was two years ago, and I'm not sure the influence extended past those girls.

Jesus said that we are "the light of the world," and to "let your light shine before men," and sometimes, I'm not sure what that means for me. I really gave considering SM a shot this year, but He said no. To me, that's the most obvious way to "shine" to the "world," but that wasn't in store this year. So maybe I should go back to the basics. God rewarded Elisha for being faithful in the small things. Maybe that's where I need to start.

I want to be faithful to God in the little details of my life, even the parts where nobody else is looking, maybe especially those parts. If He's not giving me any other mission in my life than to just life a God-filled life, then I want to do just that, to the best of my ability.

The first post.

So there's pressure in the first post, pressure to set the foundation for the journey of the blog.

Basically, I'm starting this blog to help me organize my thoughts and express myself. It's all an attempt to get to know myself better, as I have realized lately that I don't know me very well.

I want to figure out what drives me, what exactly are my passions and what I am to do with them, how to be the best me possible. And of course, draw ever closer to my Creator.

You are welcome to join me in this journey, and add your input and your prayers. I don't know where it will take me and where it will end. But for now, this is the beginning.