I don't understand...

I don't understand.

I don't understand how to differentiate between them: my wants and God's wants. He wants to give me the desires of my heart, right? The subject, in particular, is Student Missionary-ing.

I have wanted to be an SM my whole life, ever since I learned that I was born on the mission field. My dad showed me pictures of Chuuk, then called Truk, and taught me how to sing "This is the Day" in Trukese. My mom told me what it was like to be pregnant and a new mother on an island. I've always wanted to visit someday, and to be a missionary somewhere myself.

As I finished high school and started college, those plans shrank from my mind. I didn't really think about how it would fit in, leaving my life for a year. The thought was especially avoidable when I got into a relationship the middle of freshman year. That summer I worked at Camp Wawona, and a lot of people there had just come back from SM, or had already done it at some point, and it made me think about the possibility again. And then during the beginning of the school year, Rachel started talking about how she wanted to be an SM. I started thinking more seriously about about it, and remembering how much I've always wanted to be a missionary. The SM movement on campus began, and I started to get swept up into it. I wanted to go so bad. I was scared because I wondered if he was "the one," and thought about how hard it would be to leave him. But I wanted to go really bad, and knew that if it was meant to be, it would work out.

And then Kirsten died. It affected our whole friend group because Liesel was such good friends with her. It just put a bad taste in our mouths about SM. I just didn't want to go anymore. I wasn't scared to go, I just didn't want to. As quickly as I'd gotten excited about it, that's how quickly my excitement deflated.

Then came the beginning of the new semester, and with it, the last SM vespers. I realized that I had never really consulted God on this subject. I had prayed about it some, but never really searched for His will. I had sort of said, "God, if Devin and I break up, I'll go. That will be my sign." But we weren't broken up, and I knew that I had to be sure about it. So during that Vespers, I opened my heart to him. I listened intently, all the way through the altar call, waiting for God to say, "Yes! It's your turn! I want you to go for Me."

He said no. He told me not this year. So I said ok. Not this year.

It's sort of a relief, because it's a big ordeal and would put me back a year. So at first, I was ok with it.

But lately I've been remembering how much I want to, and that this next year would have been the ideal time to go. And, we're broken up now. But I knew that deal wasn't a good deal. It just pushes me towards it. And I really really want to go. I don't think it will work out another year. To me, it seems that I won't be going at all. And I don't understand why. I want to go so bad. I have 10 reasons I can tell you right now that it would be good. But God said no. Not right now. And I don't understand.

Maybe He needs me to trust Him more first. Maybe I haven't given myself to Him enough. Maybe He has something planned for me next year. But I really want to be a student missionary. And He said no. I don't understand...

Haircut.

The door said, "Walk Right In." So I straightened up and confidently did just that.

As a new costumer, they needed my address to put me in their system. I haven't bothered to completely memorize my address at the dorm, so I turned to Lauren for help. I tripped over my words and spoke over her and argued as we both tried to deliver my address; in short, I communicated very poorly. The lady tried not to act too annoyed, and I was left only slightly embarrassed by my communication fail.

We finally got through it and I waited there with her for the sink to free up. She asked me what my major was, and I sheepishly laughed, "Communications." We all had a chuckle, but then I had a thought. By my performance the last few minutes, there was no way she could have guessed I was majoring in communications, planning to work in communications for the rest of my life. And then the synapses jumped: can people tell I'm a Christian?

This is a subject that my thoughts have touched on briefly throughout my life, as youth pastors and inspirational speakers have brought it up: can people tell you follow Jesus by the way you live your life? And in those moments, it is something I inwardly nod towards. Yes, I want to witness by living. But have I ever really?

To my joy, at the end of staffing a three-week summer program in '08, Teen Bible Academy, my youth pastor told me that I had done just that. Several girls told him that they wanted what I had, that God's presence was evident in my life, just from watching me. It was something I'd been praying for all year, to be able to witness by the way I lived my life. But that was two years ago, and I'm not sure the influence extended past those girls.

Jesus said that we are "the light of the world," and to "let your light shine before men," and sometimes, I'm not sure what that means for me. I really gave considering SM a shot this year, but He said no. To me, that's the most obvious way to "shine" to the "world," but that wasn't in store this year. So maybe I should go back to the basics. God rewarded Elisha for being faithful in the small things. Maybe that's where I need to start.

I want to be faithful to God in the little details of my life, even the parts where nobody else is looking, maybe especially those parts. If He's not giving me any other mission in my life than to just life a God-filled life, then I want to do just that, to the best of my ability.

The first post.

So there's pressure in the first post, pressure to set the foundation for the journey of the blog.

Basically, I'm starting this blog to help me organize my thoughts and express myself. It's all an attempt to get to know myself better, as I have realized lately that I don't know me very well.

I want to figure out what drives me, what exactly are my passions and what I am to do with them, how to be the best me possible. And of course, draw ever closer to my Creator.

You are welcome to join me in this journey, and add your input and your prayers. I don't know where it will take me and where it will end. But for now, this is the beginning.