Correction: I want to do too many things. And money is a factor.
If I could just identify what my true passion is, I would trust God and bounce into the abyss, not caring about money. But I can't seem to nail it down.
The first week of this semester I changed my emphasis from New Media (internet, journalism convergence) to Media Production (video, tv). But some days I don't want to make television.
Some days, I think I want to make movies. But being a film major means being here a lot longer. And I am so not guaranteed a job. And I'd have to live in LA. Plus, film majors are really cool and dedicated. What if I didn't fit in? What if I started over and then found out it was the wrong fit.
Some days, I think that if I could just make music for the rest of life I'd be happy. But lets be real: I don't even have enough songs written for an EP right now. I'm too scared of what I think to write. And again, I probably wouldn't make any money.
Some days, I want to be a missionary. I have always wanted to, and I still plan on being one at some point or points in my life. Some days, I think that I should just give up America and help people elsewhere. Learn new languages and feed the hungry and tell people about Jesus. But I haven't done it yet. I don't know if I'm scared and that's why, or too comfortable with my America life, or what...
Some days I just want someone to tell me what to do. I enjoy being an almost-adult for the most part. I like being able to make some decisions on my own, the day-to-day responsibilities. But what if my day-to-day is putting me in the wrong direction for my future year-to-year?
Why do I have to worry about money? It's not fair.
And why don't I have the cojones to give my complete academic life/career to God? Would that even be the end-all answer?
I'm frustrated.
Giving your life to God is much easier said than done. This is what I struggled with all summer long.
ReplyDeleteI mean I've always "trusted" God, but I never TRUSTED God with EVERYTHING in my life. It took falling for a boy and getting my heart broken to run to God searching for answers. When I did that I fell in love with Him. Truly in love with the One who made me.
In the book Crazy Love that I read, I found this quote that summed everything up to me. It said, ""If life were stable, I'd never need God's help. Since it's not, I reach out for Him regularly. I am thankful for the unknowns and that I don't have control, because it makes me run to God." You know how I am with control. Even though you have no idea what you want to do, it's okay. Coming to Argentina was hard. I had somewhat of an idea of what to expect, but really I had no idea. It's a different world down here, but I know that I'll be okay because God is with me.
It's easy to say to depend on God, but you really have to search God for what He wants out of your life. You need to WANT to search. You may not get the answer right away or the answer that you want, but He has a plan for your life. There are so many positive things that you are good at. But everyone has their weaknesses. Don't let those weigh you down. God is so much more. He can take care of your worries.
Even though you have these interests, doesn't always mean that's what you'll end up doing. Maybe those can be your hobbies, or God can use those talents that you have for something else, it doesn't have to be a career.
Jana, I love you a lot. And I know how you feel about some of this stuff. Run to God. Search Him. Seek His direction for where you are to go. It won't be easy, so be ready for anything to be thrown your way, but stick with God. He's got your back (as do I and 12371029823 others). Trust Him that He knows what He's doing in your life. I love you forever. :)
Jana...this is a good blog...glad you are voicing what every college person goes through...it seems that way anyways.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite line, " I would trust God and bounce into the abyss" is on my mind a lot these days too.
The advice I can give at the moment, as I look through job descriptions and job requirements on a daily basis is be as specific as possible in your study. Gain a skill that you can bank on and then use it to take steps towards a goal that is vague. Video, Web Design skills, and social media marketing know-how are all hot right now it seem to me right now, but...who knows.
I really wish God used Neon signs most of the time...but He doesn't, and I think He doesn't because there might be multiple good things for us to choose. Anyways...
Mid-college crisis... post-college crisis...
ReplyDeleteHold on tight friend. this confusion will give you the strength to hold on tight to Jesus when it comes around again. . . because it just might. I just prayed for you.
ReplyDelete