This is the beginning of my script, just to give you a taste. Formatting on here is weird, but I tried.
FADE IN
EXT. DAY - BEACH
It's warm. EMERY is sitting on the beach, looking at the water, the waves, digging her toes in the sand, soaking up the sun, not very close to the water.
EMERY V.O.
I love the beach...
But I don't like the ocean.
I don't like feeling like I'm not in charge,
like I'm out of control.
I love the warmth, the smell,
the sounds, but I don't like chaos.
Pan or cut to BAILEY, ZOE, and LAUREN playing in the water. Focus on Bailey, laughing and diving and falling.
BAILEY V.O.
The ocean is what freedom feels like:
it's wild and crazy and powerful,
and makes me feel alive.
Suggestion: Maybe explain why Emery doesn't like the water and why it makes her feel out of control. I don't really understand that feeling of out of control in comparison to the ocean. But that's just me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when you say PAN or CUT TO:, pick one. You're the writer. You're creating the work. But to be honest, you don't need to say it anyways. Just describe what we're seeing. If we're seeing Bailey and her friends in the water, we're seeing them in the water. We know we've cut to them. :) Just some help.
Hmmm, good point. It's definitely vague. I've gotten more into it later, but I think you're right. It needs more in the beginning.
ReplyDeleteRight, I know I'm not supposed to give those cues unless necessary, I just wanted it to be obvious they were on the same beach. And to add the fact that it's a comparison between them.
Thanks for the feedback!